I got thinking about where I am now and how I got here. About where I was and where I'm going to be in ten years time.

I live in a small village on the outer suburbs. Its so small that you can drive straight through it in about half a mile. Everybody knows everybody here...so much so that the day we moved in (approx. 10 years ago) my mum started a rumor (a harmless one I assure you) just to see how long it would take for her friend's mother-in-law (who also lives here) to hear it through the grapevine. The answer is six days. Its a lovely community and despite the occasional chavs stirring shit up and a notorious pub, its pretty safe.

...so why do I hate it?

Because its comfortable and its safe (for the most part-okay that psychopath with a hammer and the dog walker was just a one off!)

This may confuse you. I mean a happy safe place to live? Wtf is wrong with you?

Point is I am living in a perfectly comfortable existence right now. I have a job in the village, I live at home with my family, I pay my mum rent, I can hop on the train and visit my friends until I have saved enough money to buy a local property and a car. But I'm merely existing. Im not living.

Everyone needs a catalyst. An event that pushes you out of the comfort zones and forces us to do something different.

eg. I worked in a shop. I really wanted a job doing art but my lack of confidence and fear of rejection meant my portfolio wasn't being done. It was weak and still is and I knew I would not get a job doing concept art at this stage. Not yet. So I kept my head down and carried on existing.

The shop's profits fell and it had to be closed down. This acted as a catalyst for me. I needed money or else I would have had to mooch off my parents. I simply was forced to find a new job wherever I could, and either by fate or accident, an interview for part time office admin suddenly turned into an interview for full time illustrator. *punches air*

That was just one catalyst among many that has pushed me to do something with my life.

Another was my aunt getting engaged. If I am to be a bridesmaid I will have camera's shoved in my face. Everyone who knows me knows I hate having my picture taken, because every time I look at the results of said picture...a piece of my already delicate self esteem is chipped away just that little bit more. There is only a select few photographs of me that I can look at without bursting into tears.

The engagement pushed me into doing something about my self esteem.

Today is weigh day, and I've lost 2 stone and non of my jeans fit. I feel fucking fantastic! XD

...but I'm still living in this goddamn village!

I have no doubt many of you have done this.

You log on to DA to check your messages and find, that once again, that picture you can't stand, that picture you thought was alright at the time but is now completely obselete, that picture you tried as a "practice piece" or "first try at such and such technique",

...the one that completely lacks anatomy, perspective list goes on etc... yeah that picture has got yet another five faves...and you can't understand why.

You may think this is a rant about how my original artwork isn't getting any recognition. HA! I couldn't care less about that...

What I care about, is the fact that some of my old artwork which is quite obviously a big pile of amateur-ly painted bollocks, is spreading like a thick fungus accross the internets and to be honest its not the pieces of work I want people to spread around...they are EMBARASSING! If you're going to rip my work on photobucket or some spanish fan site I mean you could at least rip the stuff thats half decent! Please?

I really really want to remove them...all of them, it would however be a middle finger to all the people that faved them in the first place.

...on the plus side....since starting new healthy eating plan i've shed 7 pounds of lard in 2 weeks...and im seeing Harry Spotter tomorrow!!! XD

I like routine. I have a good routine for the week. It goes something like this.

Alarm.
I get up.
I get washed.
I get dressed.
I go to the Kitchen.
I make a cuppa.
I make breakfast.
I put telly on.
I watch Frasier.

I am amused.

I eat breakfast.
I go to work.
I am in a good mood.

Recently my routine has gone to pot.

...kids look away now...

Channel 4... you fucking WANKERS! Take big brother off the fucking air! Its SHIT! Im not wasting my mornings watching attention seeking nobodies wipe their own arses with each other's napkins! I'D RATHER LICK MY OWN ARMPITS THAN WATCH THAT BOLLOCKS!

NOW PUT FRASIER BACK ON THE AIR AT 8.30 YOU FUCKING TITS!
*snarl, hiss, spit*

For the sake of my sanity...I am forsaking channel 4...until that fucking series is over.

To the bitchcave!


oh and this icon cheered me up a little lol

Captain's Log Stardate 28th May 2009

I had the honor and the privilege of viewing the new Star Trek movie at the 'not so local but more comfortable' cinema near me, on opening night. I had planned to write a journal about it... but not today.

First let me take you back a while. About a year ago.

Whilst watching heroes my dad wandered past and casually caught a glimpse of me grinning at Sylar as he decapitated some bloke for whatever reason he was doing it, I'm not sure, I was too busy imagining what Sylar would look like naked. Zachary Quinto was eventually the only thing that kept me watching Heroes... because I'd totally lost the plot. It was like 'Lost' where not even Sawyer could keep me watching it.

"He's playing Spock in the new Star Trek." My dad casually trilled.

Now before that sentence I had completely forgotten Star trek existed, so why? May I ask? Did that one sentence make me squeal like a five year old girl and start jumping up and down?

You might think it was the idea of seeing the Quinto with pointy ears in tight starfleet uniform. NO.

It was because when my dad joined the two words Star and Trek together in a single sentence, it triggered ten years of repressed memories to come back into existence.

I realised that, throughout my whole childhood...I had been a Trekkie. I had been introduced at an early age, where Star Wars and Star Trek kinda mingled into one epic programme and I was always looking out for Chewie or Han in Trek uniforms. (Anyone else notice that both Chewie and Worf wore those metal belt strap things across their chest? Coincidence much?)

I remembered watching Wrath of Karn and not understanding one thing that was said or who anybody was...but it had spaceships and aliens and I liked the bright colours (then again, I thought much the same thing about Alien when I first saw that...the bright colours were probably blood splatters.)

I remembered all my favorite characters from Next Generation like Data and Troy (I thought she was the most beautiful woman ever and I wanted to grow up to be like her!) and Worf (Klingons were by far my favourite species) and I even remember having a crush on Wesley Crusher (he was so adorable)! I had a few Star Trek books bought for me, you know, the Star Trek encyclopedia and annuals and stuff and me and my mate next door (he had ALL the toys) drew fanart of it all the time! How could I have forgotten about it?

"Dad?! Why did I stop watching it?" I was so confused, if I loved it so much why did I quit?

"Oh I let you watch First Contact when it came out." He said casually as some other dude on Heroes got diced. "The Borg Queen freaked you out so much you stopped watching it after that...you know when she took her head off and her spinal column came ou-"


"EW EW Fucking Borg Queen I hate her!!!! EW!" *runs away and hides*


I've spent the last year getting back into it... rewatched Next Generation again and loved it, watched Voyager and didn't love it, watched Deep Space Nine and loved Odo and Quark... watched the original and laughed cos Family Guy was spot on with its Bill Shatner jokes, watched Nemesis and found Tom Hardy was a sexy beast...

...but I still won't watch First Contact.

I miss my crappy laptop!

I've become so used to using a touchpad, I keep tapping my desk thinking the imac will react to it. *facepalm*

but...it so purdy! Watched Fellowship last night while i was installing everything! just...wow! O_O